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Joseph L. Wiess's avatar

I can't decide if this is a woman setting up a man for blackmail or a woman trying to steal something from Tolly.

Granted, I've only read this much, but what throws me are "Smile #7", "Apology #4", and "Sincere #2". I can see where she would have these defense mechanisms trained or drilled into her by the nameless villain in the prologue, but I find them a bit offputting.

As for your image, I just chalk those up to AI's failure to do what you want it to. I have the same problem with my art. I can't get Nightcafe to do what I want.

I read Von's comments below and was curious. Is there supposed to be romance in this novel? It has yet to show up. If not, that's cool.

I agree with him about Ms. There are other ways to say it, such as "Miss," "Ma'am," "Young lady," etc.

Overall, it has promise, and that's why I'm reading it.

I'll reserve judgment for the end of the story.

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Von's avatar

So... my comments, as requested :)

1) The whole 'Ms' thing is still very grating. It never even gets shortened to a mere 'Miss' or "Ma'am'.

2) Yes, the AI image doesn't match the vision of what I get from the chapter. He actually sounds like he should have a beard, actually.

3) I hate to say 'I told you so', but the 'romantic entanglement' thing seemed to have flopped. Checkov's Gun.

4) Now, my big comment would be that I love it when a story had a mystery, but it seems to me it has to come out as it goes along. Occasionally one big reveal, but not usually when you play with it so much.

So I am finding her situation hard. Too much mystery, not enough dribbled reveal. We get the satan like figure in the prologue, then it seems like they would even know if she ate first, and now we get 'the bosses' will take her money. I'm not getting enough detail, fun details.

When the main character, too, doesn't know the mystery, it works more. But here it just feels like the author is keeping it from us.

5) I don't know if I mentioned it before, but while I love the 'smile 32' kind of thing, I think the formatting needs work. It doesn't seem to work as just part of the sentence.

6) The wording here makes it sound like he 'read' the smile:

I used sincere tone 7, suitable for apologies.

He gave a quick surprised half-bob at my bow, more of a nod than an actual bow. "What have you got to apologise for?"

7) This transition doesn't work for me: "You're not old," I said automatically, putting on smile 10, mostly friendly, but with a hint of invitation. I instantly switched back to smile 27.

8) I like the internal conflict, but not complete helplessness that seems to go with it. See 'mystery', above.

There's some reactions, feel free to ask about them.

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