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Jasini KC's avatar

@Von, this is the next post for critiquing, if you wish. 🙂

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Joseph L. Wiess's avatar

A little light is seeping into the darkened room.

I gather that she's there to steal the original artwork.

I gather that she hasn't eaten for several days. If that's the case, then her fainting is getting off easy. With no calories to sustain her activity, she should have passed out and crashed hard.

I gather that Tolly has a bad leg, but I don't know which one. Is it the right leg, or the left? That could come in handy in the future.

I see a hint of romance rearing its head and Glorinda shutting it down hard, but secretly desiring affection.

Haranbeth? What is Haranbeth? (reads comments above/below) Oh, it's the capital. You could have mentioned that in a thought format or just as a casual mention. Because I was lost, I kept thinking it was a day of the week.

This is the third time you've mentioned the black eye, I got the importance of it.

Once again, you numbered her response. I get why you do it, but how many expressions does she have? Could you describe Smile #7? Is it a crooked, self-defacing smile, or is it a bashful smile? Does she show teeth, or is she closed-mouthed?

I can deal with the Ms. But, if it were me, I'd change it every so often. Ms. Miss Glorinda, He did call her young lady. Good job.

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