5. The major capital city. About 4 hours away, depending on who's driving. Instead of answering when she last ate, she answered where. A distinction Tolly probably caught, but decided to not make an issue of.
6. He has extensive experience in first aid, but I wouldn't say he knows medicine. And he knows something is wrong with her, but it's a weird wrong. He doesn't want to rush in and make things worse.
1. You requested me no longer to comment on a certain word. I suggested you replace that word (which I will not name) with 'Captain' and read the scene to see if it came out for you (as it does for me) as very repetitive,.
2. Well, as I say, there are at least a dozen spots where I asked, "Why?" Different people give different levels of internal dialogue, but I feel it is missing here. I think this chapter, which seems pivotal (altho I don't know why :) ) could use some internal dialogue. "I won't sleep with this guy, unlke the last dozen, because [insert internal reasoning here. Why he is different]
5. Well, for we poor people who only get to read once a week or so, and who don't have the map memorized, how about a dialogue, "Houston? Why, that had to be at least two days ago! Good grief, you have to be starving..."
6. As and EMT and LVN (retired) I didn't see anything he proposed (getting medical care) as 'rushing in and making it worse'. They would be standard for anyone who even knows the least bit of medicine. The brain does not force the body to shut down easily. It is a serious sign.
1. So you're using the letter of the law to subvert the spirit of it? I expected better off you. But anyway, she's been introduced to most of the main characters, so this boring side topic should go way down.
2. Fair enough. That's the same question I ask repeatedly every chapter of your Contract Marriage book. Why is she putting herself through this? Stick to the dystopia you know.
5. Sheesh. You asked a question, and I answered it. No need to get snippy about it.
6. Yes, he knows better what to do, and isn't doing it. Note that weird things have been happening whenever they get in close proximity to each other.
2. I don't recall you commenting on that in my story. I would love to know specific places where the story doesn't give adequate explanation for why characters are doing something... I will edit it to fix, I think, since I don't intend for much in that story to be a mystery.
5. I wasn't trying to be snippy, I was suggesting a small edit. That he say something to orient the reader.
A lot depends on if you are trying to build mystery, or if you think the user should understand will understand right away. If the latter, not so much :)
I think it could be that we like different things in our crits. I like to know everything that you don't like, don't understand, think could be better written in every chapter/scene. I don't ask questions to get answers, but to let you know that these were the questions/comments/things I find annoying in each scene.
If you stop or don't comment on something in a new chapter I will assume it is OK, not that you just stopped commenting on it because you have commented before. So I assume you will want the same thing.
So, if 'wierd things have been happening', then it might be good to have her notice how they are different from what happened in the past. Thus not just 'I don't want to betray this man' but 'why do I suddnely not want to betray this man when I have all the others?" If that fits with what she would notice, obviously.
I gather that she's there to steal the original artwork.
I gather that she hasn't eaten for several days. If that's the case, then her fainting is getting off easy. With no calories to sustain her activity, she should have passed out and crashed hard.
I gather that Tolly has a bad leg, but I don't know which one. Is it the right leg, or the left? That could come in handy in the future.
I see a hint of romance rearing its head and Glorinda shutting it down hard, but secretly desiring affection.
Haranbeth? What is Haranbeth? (reads comments above/below) Oh, it's the capital. You could have mentioned that in a thought format or just as a casual mention. Because I was lost, I kept thinking it was a day of the week.
This is the third time you've mentioned the black eye, I got the importance of it.
Once again, you numbered her response. I get why you do it, but how many expressions does she have? Could you describe Smile #7? Is it a crooked, self-defacing smile, or is it a bashful smile? Does she show teeth, or is she closed-mouthed?
I can deal with the Ms. But, if it were me, I'd change it every so often. Ms. Miss Glorinda, He did call her young lady. Good job.
@Von, this is the next post for critiquing, if you wish. 🙂
1.captain
2. Allow some mystery to trickle out. Why does she have to obey?
3. Why won’t she betray or sleep with him? Let some of her thoughts out. About a dozen times I kept asking‘why’??
4. Magic introduced before?
5.
Haranbeth?
6. If he knows medicine he knows she’s not okay
1. Captain? I'm not seeing that word there.
2. I thought I was.
5. The major capital city. About 4 hours away, depending on who's driving. Instead of answering when she last ate, she answered where. A distinction Tolly probably caught, but decided to not make an issue of.
6. He has extensive experience in first aid, but I wouldn't say he knows medicine. And he knows something is wrong with her, but it's a weird wrong. He doesn't want to rush in and make things worse.
1. You requested me no longer to comment on a certain word. I suggested you replace that word (which I will not name) with 'Captain' and read the scene to see if it came out for you (as it does for me) as very repetitive,.
2. Well, as I say, there are at least a dozen spots where I asked, "Why?" Different people give different levels of internal dialogue, but I feel it is missing here. I think this chapter, which seems pivotal (altho I don't know why :) ) could use some internal dialogue. "I won't sleep with this guy, unlke the last dozen, because [insert internal reasoning here. Why he is different]
5. Well, for we poor people who only get to read once a week or so, and who don't have the map memorized, how about a dialogue, "Houston? Why, that had to be at least two days ago! Good grief, you have to be starving..."
6. As and EMT and LVN (retired) I didn't see anything he proposed (getting medical care) as 'rushing in and making it worse'. They would be standard for anyone who even knows the least bit of medicine. The brain does not force the body to shut down easily. It is a serious sign.
1. So you're using the letter of the law to subvert the spirit of it? I expected better off you. But anyway, she's been introduced to most of the main characters, so this boring side topic should go way down.
2. Fair enough. That's the same question I ask repeatedly every chapter of your Contract Marriage book. Why is she putting herself through this? Stick to the dystopia you know.
5. Sheesh. You asked a question, and I answered it. No need to get snippy about it.
6. Yes, he knows better what to do, and isn't doing it. Note that weird things have been happening whenever they get in close proximity to each other.
2. I don't recall you commenting on that in my story. I would love to know specific places where the story doesn't give adequate explanation for why characters are doing something... I will edit it to fix, I think, since I don't intend for much in that story to be a mystery.
5. I wasn't trying to be snippy, I was suggesting a small edit. That he say something to orient the reader.
A lot depends on if you are trying to build mystery, or if you think the user should understand will understand right away. If the latter, not so much :)
6. Cool.
I think it could be that we like different things in our crits. I like to know everything that you don't like, don't understand, think could be better written in every chapter/scene. I don't ask questions to get answers, but to let you know that these were the questions/comments/things I find annoying in each scene.
If you stop or don't comment on something in a new chapter I will assume it is OK, not that you just stopped commenting on it because you have commented before. So I assume you will want the same thing.
So, if 'wierd things have been happening', then it might be good to have her notice how they are different from what happened in the past. Thus not just 'I don't want to betray this man' but 'why do I suddnely not want to betray this man when I have all the others?" If that fits with what she would notice, obviously.
A little light is seeping into the darkened room.
I gather that she's there to steal the original artwork.
I gather that she hasn't eaten for several days. If that's the case, then her fainting is getting off easy. With no calories to sustain her activity, she should have passed out and crashed hard.
I gather that Tolly has a bad leg, but I don't know which one. Is it the right leg, or the left? That could come in handy in the future.
I see a hint of romance rearing its head and Glorinda shutting it down hard, but secretly desiring affection.
Haranbeth? What is Haranbeth? (reads comments above/below) Oh, it's the capital. You could have mentioned that in a thought format or just as a casual mention. Because I was lost, I kept thinking it was a day of the week.
This is the third time you've mentioned the black eye, I got the importance of it.
Once again, you numbered her response. I get why you do it, but how many expressions does she have? Could you describe Smile #7? Is it a crooked, self-defacing smile, or is it a bashful smile? Does she show teeth, or is she closed-mouthed?
I can deal with the Ms. But, if it were me, I'd change it every so often. Ms. Miss Glorinda, He did call her young lady. Good job.