Bing anime has its usual problem of making everyone look too young (though it at least didn’t give everyone beards). But it had an unintended artifact that was so appropro that I kept it. With the way this week is going, I just decided to publish this now, rather than scheduling it for tomorrow like I usually do.
Glorina
After breakfast the next morning (I ate by myself in the staff area, where people smiled friendly greetings at me, but no one sat down to disturb my reading) I was packing up my bags to take down to the crypt.
Tolly showed up when I summoned the elevator. "Ah, Ms. Hoi!" he said jovially. "I see I got here just in time. I was just coming down to help you."
"I can handle everything myself," I said.
He beamed down at me. "I'm sure you can, Ms. Hoi. But I must confess having an insatiable curiosity when it comes to my things. I want to see what you will be doing."
What was I doing? Certainly that was a very reasonable request. I'd been asked things like that before. Why was I so irritable?
I looked up into his blue eyes and again felt the almost physical compulsion. I would not betray this man.
That's why, of course. It'd be much easier to betray him if I seldom saw him.
But that wasn't my job.
I smiled at him, smile 12, friendly/wants to get to know you better. "Well, of course, Mr. McLichtensen," I said. "Though I'm afraid you'll find it boring."
"No doubt," Tolly agreed. "Still, I want to see, to understand, what you are doing. I expect it will only become tedious after I've watched you for a while."
Tolly helped me carry my bags out of the elevator, and down the little hallway to the crypt. "Do you have everything you need, Ms. Hoi?" he said, peering down at the two slim bags.
"Oh, everything is quite compact," I told him. Smile 7, yes, that would be most appropriate. Polite, friendly to employer, with just a hint of irritation.
He grinned down at me. "Well, if there's anything you need, Ms. Hoi, just say the word."
"No, no, I'm fine, Mr. McLichtensen, " I said, letting just the smallest hint of exasperation into my voice.
He chuckled. "Yes, you would know your own work, I suppose."
To my relief, my card unlocked the door to the Crypt. Not that I doubted it would, but I hadn't tested it yet.
Tolly followed me in as I turned on the lights and looked around. "How would you like this set up, Ms. Hoi?"
"Let me think," I said. "I need to orient myself again." Actually it'd be far easier without his help. I needed to distract him.
"Don't mind me, Ms. Hoi," Tolly said, with another chuckle. "I'll not get in your way."
As if I could just ignore him! Well, I could try. I opened the first case, and began putting together the easel.
"Ingenious," Tolly said, looking at how the flat pieces fit together. "Mattan should see this."
"Mattan?" My mind drew a blank, though I thought it sounded vaguely familiar.
"Mattan Olmin," he replied. "You met him at lunch yesterday."
"Oh, that's right," I said, trying to keep my voice casual. I had been seething because he hadn't been in the files. First not remembering seeing Belinda at lunch, and then this. I should not be forgetting things. How had he slipped my mind? "Your friend who makes things." I hadn't even remembered to put him in my first reports back. I suddenly made the decision not to, unless I was specifically asked about him. If he wasn't important enough to be put into the files, why should I?
"He's one of my oldest friends," Tolly said. "But still, he does have a way of slipping the mind when he's not around."
It wasn't just me, then.
I looked at the high table and stools in sudden consternation. I wouldn't be able to work at those. No, I would. I had worked under worse conditions.
Tolly followed my glance. "That's no good," he muttered. "Be right back." He slipped out, and I sighed in relief.
I set up the camera and the background tarp, and had just pulled out the computer and put it on the table, along with my notebooks when Tolly came back in, and looked around, and grunted. "That was quick,” he muttered.
Jasin and one of the waiters came in behind him, carrying a collapsed table and a couple of folding chairs. Jasin gave me a quick grin as they entered.
Tolly nodded at them, and they quickly set up the new table and chairs, moved my computer and notebooks to it, and took down the tall table, leaning it against the far wall, with the stools in front of it, taking far less room than I would have thought possible.
I blinked at how fast it happened.
"Would this be better, Ms. Hoi?" Tolly said, with no small pride in his voice.
"Yes, much. This is perfect," I said. "Thank you, Mr. McLichtensen, Jasin, Monath," I continued, nodding to each as I said their names.
Tolly looked a bit startled, but the other two just nodded back, murmuring their thanks. Monath beamed as he quickly made his exit, but Jasin looked around for a moment.
"Will these chairs be comfortable enough, Glorina?" he said. The seats were padded, a higher class of folding chairs than I was used to.
"I'm sure I'll be fine," I said, perching in one momentarily.
Tolly and Jasin exchanged glances, then Tolly nodded at him.
"I'll see you around, Glorina," Jasin said. "Will you be needing me again, sir?"
"Not right now," Tolly said, and Jasin left. Then Tolly looked at me. "Do you know the names of all our waiters?"
"I've met several of them," I told him, smiling 29, pleased but slightly puzzled. Inwardly, I exulted. This moment was what made studying all those files worth it.
I bowed to him again, and then walked down the aisles, and looked things over again, pulling frames out of their slots from time to time.
Tolly watched me. "Do you need anything, Ms. Hoi?"
"Just noting how this is organized, again, Mr. McLichtensen," I said, pulling out another frame.
"Not at all, I'm afraid." He chuckled. "Though we did try from time to time."
"Oh, it's not that bad," I assured him. "And the slots are already numbered. That should help."
He looked around. "I suppose so," he said, dubiously.
"Today will be mostly figuring out how I want to do things, what will work best for your collection," I said. "I told you that it would be boring."
"So you did," he said. He looked around again, eyes glazed. "Let me know if you need anything."
"Of course, Mr. McLichtensen." I gave him a formal bow, and he nodded back at me as he made his escape.
I continued working and thinking for a few more hours, then stood up, and stretched, as far as I could reach. I went upstairs for lunch.
Belinda greeted me warmly. "How is it coming?" she said.
"I've made a good start, I think," I said cautiously. "It might be a few days before I get fully into the swing of it."
"Take your time," she said. "Uncle Tolly will be glad to have it done right."
"Don't worry, I'll do it right," I said. And I had already found one of the paintings that my real boss was looking for. He should be happy to hear that. I hoped. Though not the one that he really wanted me to find. Still, it was only my first day. Even he didn't expect miracles. Often.
"I'm sure you will," Belinda said. "And if you want lunch sent down occasionally, so you can keep working, just let me know."
"Mr. McLichtensen says I shouldn't eat alone," I said.
"Occasionally," she repeated. "Even Uncle Tolly isn't going to insist that you have to share every meal." She grinned at me, and led me to a table.
I had scarcely begun my meal when Tolly, Mr. McLichtensen, came and sat down across from me.
"May I join you?"
"It appears you already have," I said, smile 18, sharing a joke.
He grinned back, and Monath slipped a plate in front of him as well.
"How has your morning gone, Ms. Hoi? Productive, I hope?"
"So far," I said. "I've made a good beginning, and should be able to do more this afternoon. Tomorrow I should be doing some more interesting work, if you want to come watch me then."
He quirked his eyebrow at me. "Is that so, Ms. Hoi? I just might take you up on that." Then he grinned at me. "But I'll try not to make too much of a nuisance of myself."
"I'm sure you couldn't be that," I told him, with smile 47, insincere praise.
He guffawed loudly. "Oh, I've been called worse, Ms. Hoi. Far worse."
I found myself smiling back at him. Really smiling. I hadn't realized I could. He glanced away for a moment, distracted by something, and my face froze. I needed to stop letting my guard down around this man. Why was that so hard? I shook my head. He was just a man. I could do this.
In the moment he turned back, I had again schooled my face. "Do you enjoy living here, Mr. McLichtensen?" I said. Change the subject. Maybe get some information out of him.
A shadow passed over his face. "It's well enough," he said shortly. Then he gave a brief shake of the head and smiled at me. "I've lived here so long that I know all the things in town that most people never find out." He grinned at me. "I could show you around if you'd like."
"I would like that," I said politely.
His grin grew larger, and I fought back a flash of panic. What was I letting myself in for?
"If I have the time," I added hastily.
"You don't need to work the whole time," he said. "I'd like you to enjoy your stay here."
"I'm sure I will," I said. I lost track of which smile I was using as I fought through another level of panic. I took a sip of my drink, and a couple more bites, and I was done with my lunch. "But tonight, I'll probably be too tired." As well as having to report back. What little I could. "Another day, perhaps?"
I stood, and Mr. McLichtensen stood as well, and looked down at me gravely. "Of course, Ms. Hoi. The first day at any new job, especially with new people is always tiring."
I gave him a formal bow, my mind racing furiously. Had I given away more of myself than I had intended? "I will see you soon," I promised him.
"I will make sure of it," he told me, with a bow of his own.
I made my escape down to the crypt. I called up for a soothing pot of larin tea, and looked over my notes while I drank it, before I could pull myself back together enough to get back to work.
The next few days established a pattern. I'd go down to the dining room and have breakfast, then go further down into the crypt, and work for a few hours. I found a couple more of the paintings that my boss was interested in, but still not the important one. I also alerted him to a couple of other paintings that I thought he would find of interest.
Mr. McLichtensen, Tolly, would come down, unannounced, at least once a day, at different times, and watched me work, while I was taking the photographs, finding the documents, typing up the provenance, and sorting them appropriately, everything filed in the computer so that all the information could be easily found again later. Or made to disappear without a trace.
I usually came back up for lunch, to people-watch, and enjoy the food. I got to recognize several regulars who came nearly every day.
After lunch, I would 'take a break', and spend an hour or so prowling around the building, trying to explore unnoticed, finding places to plant my bugs without being seen. I quickly discovered that there was too much noise in the kitchen to have it be any use to plant bugs there. And the dining rooms had too many other people coming and going, and talking, to make it worth bugging it to find the ones I was interested in.
I found Jasin's office, and planted a couple of bugs in there. He was always glad to see me, and I enjoyed talking with him.
And it seemed that Tolly spent almost as much time there as he did in his own office, which made the bugging worth it.
So I settled in there fairly quickly, thinking this was just another job.
I didn't discover the portraits of Tolly for a couple of weeks.
*sighs* And we are back to the numbered smiles, and she's up to 47. But you don't don't really describe the smiles. What makes one different from the next? It's not necessarily smiling that you are numbering; maybe it's body posture/language.
It's just jarring enough to take me out of the story as I try to figure out the smiles.
So, here is my crit, as requested. I have read so much online recently that I don’t know if I have read any of this story on line, but certainly I don’t remember doing so. So I’m taking this scene all by itself. Some comments, in no particular order.
1) Table of Contents
Have you considered making a table of contents? Either with just scene number/names or brief descriptions? I think it would really help. You could have a link at the top, and even paste the whole thing at the bottom.
2) Reading it out loud?
Have you considered reading it out loud and attaching that as a voiceover? I would love to hear the way the author reads this, ie what kind of ‘voice’ it has. I was seriously tempted to read/record it out loud myself, just to see what I could do with it :) For those who are more audio oriented, hearing your interpretation of it might really provide some fleshing out.
3) Give more details of ‘work’ earlier
>>I continued working and thinking
I think the whole scene would work (pun intended) much better if this was more detailed. A couple of paragraphs more detailed. Like:
>>as he made his escape.
Sighing with relief, I went to the first painting. I gave it a brief glance, and then wrote down the relevant details in my notebook, took an initial picture, and played the ultraviolet scanner over it. And then, these details done, I gave myself permission to look at it, really look at it.
It was a picture of a young girl picking bluebells. She was wearing a long white frock, and had an ambiguous expression on her face. Certainly not one I could quantify.
This was not one of the paintings I had been sent to look for, altho it might be one that my boss would be interested in…
IOW if instead of jumping straight into ‘I worked for a few hours’ you gave us some initial details of the initial work, it would provide meat on the bones when she ‘keeps working’ later. Also maybe describe the finding of the first interesting painting, slight disappointments it isn’t the important ones, etc.
4) Love the numbered smiles, reminiscent of the accountant and Retief
I love the numbered smiles etc. It reminds me of a mixture between the movie ‘The Accountant’ and the ‘Retief’ books. I think you should work on the formatting tho. Do something to set the description off from the text. Maybe Parentheses?
>>(smile 12: friendly/wants to get to know you better).
Or
>>I gave him smile 12 (friendly/wants to get to know you better). and leave off ‘I smiled at him’.
I also don’t think this description quote works. Is ‘wants’ a subset of the ‘friendly’ smiles? In which case (friendly: wants to…)? Or are they two diff descriptors, thus ‘friendly, wanting to…?
5) >>What was I doing?
Is this an error or an indiosyncracy?
He said,
>>I want to see what you will be doing."
and she answers:
>>What was I doing?
leaving off the relavent verb? Ie she doesn’t say,
>>He wanted to see…
I’m not sure if this is a mistake, or a part of how she thinks
6) active watching
>>looking at how the flat pieces fit together.
I think ‘watching me put…” works better, more active
7) Use of ‘ms’.
I have no idea what culture you are representing here, but the use of ‘ms’ seems anachronistic to me with the rest of the style. I don’t think there are many cultures which use both ‘Lord’ and ‘ms’. It could be my age. I don’t think I have ever read a book that used ‘Ms’, or finished one anyway. Unless it was used in the Souther US fashion.
8) Grounding
Which brings me to my next point. I went back and read the very first post, and the beginning of the next post, and I find myself very lost, culturally speaking. I think it would be good if you could try to give us some idea of what age, location, etc this is in.
Let me know if any of these are unclear, or if you want more info. I love critiquing, but can be criptic :)