So, here is my crit, as requested. I have read so much online recently that I don’t know if I have read any of this story on line, but certainly I don’t remember doing so. So I’m taking this scene all by itself. Some comments, in no particular order.
1) Table of Contents
Have you considered making a table of contents? Either with just scene number/names or brief descriptions? I think it would really help. You could have a link at the top, and even paste the whole thing at the bottom.
2) Reading it out loud?
Have you considered reading it out loud and attaching that as a voiceover? I would love to hear the way the author reads this, ie what kind of ‘voice’ it has. I was seriously tempted to read/record it out loud myself, just to see what I could do with it :) For those who are more audio oriented, hearing your interpretation of it might really provide some fleshing out.
3) Give more details of ‘work’ earlier
>>I continued working and thinking
I think the whole scene would work (pun intended) much better if this was more detailed. A couple of paragraphs more detailed. Like:
>>as he made his escape.
Sighing with relief, I went to the first painting. I gave it a brief glance, and then wrote down the relevant details in my notebook, took an initial picture, and played the ultraviolet scanner over it. And then, these details done, I gave myself permission to look at it, really look at it.
It was a picture of a young girl picking bluebells. She was wearing a long white frock, and had an ambiguous expression on her face. Certainly not one I could quantify.
This was not one of the paintings I had been sent to look for, altho it might be one that my boss would be interested in…
IOW if instead of jumping straight into ‘I worked for a few hours’ you gave us some initial details of the initial work, it would provide meat on the bones when she ‘keeps working’ later. Also maybe describe the finding of the first interesting painting, slight disappointments it isn’t the important ones, etc.
4) Love the numbered smiles, reminiscent of the accountant and Retief
I love the numbered smiles etc. It reminds me of a mixture between the movie ‘The Accountant’ and the ‘Retief’ books. I think you should work on the formatting tho. Do something to set the description off from the text. Maybe Parentheses?
>>(smile 12: friendly/wants to get to know you better).
Or
>>I gave him smile 12 (friendly/wants to get to know you better). and leave off ‘I smiled at him’.
I also don’t think this description quote works. Is ‘wants’ a subset of the ‘friendly’ smiles? In which case (friendly: wants to…)? Or are they two diff descriptors, thus ‘friendly, wanting to…?
5) >>What was I doing?
Is this an error or an indiosyncracy?
He said,
>>I want to see what you will be doing."
and she answers:
>>What was I doing?
leaving off the relavent verb? Ie she doesn’t say,
>>He wanted to see…
I’m not sure if this is a mistake, or a part of how she thinks
6) active watching
>>looking at how the flat pieces fit together.
I think ‘watching me put…” works better, more active
7) Use of ‘ms’.
I have no idea what culture you are representing here, but the use of ‘ms’ seems anachronistic to me with the rest of the style. I don’t think there are many cultures which use both ‘Lord’ and ‘ms’. It could be my age. I don’t think I have ever read a book that used ‘Ms’, or finished one anyway. Unless it was used in the Souther US fashion.
8) Grounding
Which brings me to my next point. I went back and read the very first post, and the beginning of the next post, and I find myself very lost, culturally speaking. I think it would be good if you could try to give us some idea of what age, location, etc this is in.
Let me know if any of these are unclear, or if you want more info. I love critiquing, but can be criptic :)
2. I really have no desire to read the thing aloud. The only way that I might consider it is to help catch typos. Several of which have slipped in.
3. You're probably right. I don't know why my editor friend didn't mention that last time she looked at my stuff. (I have been the next one to be edited for several years now.)
4. I keep saying I need to make a list, or perhaps chart of these smiles, but I haven't done so. It
7. & 8. It's a modern world, about equal to ours, though probably before cell phones became ubiquitous. But after they existed, certainly. They are in a large town, perhaps small city, in the middle of the RingGelf Forest. Which belongs to the unicorns. History is complicated.
The nobility has been mostly phased out, though it still exists. And there are some people who will use a title because it sounds impressive who have no right to it, while others actually have a title, but don't use it, since for practical purposes it is mostly meaningless.
I don't think I have expressed how much I dislike podcasts. Enough that there were at least a couple of blogs that I used to read all the time that I quit when they went to a podcast format.
7. and 8. I was making a story comment. I think it would be good if you could ground the reader in the story, to let us get immersed a bit, make more sense of some stuff.
*sighs* And we are back to the numbered smiles, and she's up to 47. But you don't don't really describe the smiles. What makes one different from the next? It's not necessarily smiling that you are numbering; maybe it's body posture/language.
It's just jarring enough to take me out of the story as I try to figure out the smiles.
So, here is my crit, as requested. I have read so much online recently that I don’t know if I have read any of this story on line, but certainly I don’t remember doing so. So I’m taking this scene all by itself. Some comments, in no particular order.
1) Table of Contents
Have you considered making a table of contents? Either with just scene number/names or brief descriptions? I think it would really help. You could have a link at the top, and even paste the whole thing at the bottom.
2) Reading it out loud?
Have you considered reading it out loud and attaching that as a voiceover? I would love to hear the way the author reads this, ie what kind of ‘voice’ it has. I was seriously tempted to read/record it out loud myself, just to see what I could do with it :) For those who are more audio oriented, hearing your interpretation of it might really provide some fleshing out.
3) Give more details of ‘work’ earlier
>>I continued working and thinking
I think the whole scene would work (pun intended) much better if this was more detailed. A couple of paragraphs more detailed. Like:
>>as he made his escape.
Sighing with relief, I went to the first painting. I gave it a brief glance, and then wrote down the relevant details in my notebook, took an initial picture, and played the ultraviolet scanner over it. And then, these details done, I gave myself permission to look at it, really look at it.
It was a picture of a young girl picking bluebells. She was wearing a long white frock, and had an ambiguous expression on her face. Certainly not one I could quantify.
This was not one of the paintings I had been sent to look for, altho it might be one that my boss would be interested in…
IOW if instead of jumping straight into ‘I worked for a few hours’ you gave us some initial details of the initial work, it would provide meat on the bones when she ‘keeps working’ later. Also maybe describe the finding of the first interesting painting, slight disappointments it isn’t the important ones, etc.
4) Love the numbered smiles, reminiscent of the accountant and Retief
I love the numbered smiles etc. It reminds me of a mixture between the movie ‘The Accountant’ and the ‘Retief’ books. I think you should work on the formatting tho. Do something to set the description off from the text. Maybe Parentheses?
>>(smile 12: friendly/wants to get to know you better).
Or
>>I gave him smile 12 (friendly/wants to get to know you better). and leave off ‘I smiled at him’.
I also don’t think this description quote works. Is ‘wants’ a subset of the ‘friendly’ smiles? In which case (friendly: wants to…)? Or are they two diff descriptors, thus ‘friendly, wanting to…?
5) >>What was I doing?
Is this an error or an indiosyncracy?
He said,
>>I want to see what you will be doing."
and she answers:
>>What was I doing?
leaving off the relavent verb? Ie she doesn’t say,
>>He wanted to see…
I’m not sure if this is a mistake, or a part of how she thinks
6) active watching
>>looking at how the flat pieces fit together.
I think ‘watching me put…” works better, more active
7) Use of ‘ms’.
I have no idea what culture you are representing here, but the use of ‘ms’ seems anachronistic to me with the rest of the style. I don’t think there are many cultures which use both ‘Lord’ and ‘ms’. It could be my age. I don’t think I have ever read a book that used ‘Ms’, or finished one anyway. Unless it was used in the Souther US fashion.
8) Grounding
Which brings me to my next point. I went back and read the very first post, and the beginning of the next post, and I find myself very lost, culturally speaking. I think it would be good if you could try to give us some idea of what age, location, etc this is in.
Let me know if any of these are unclear, or if you want more info. I love critiquing, but can be criptic :)
Thank you for your comments.
1. I'll consider putting in a Table of Contents.
2. I really have no desire to read the thing aloud. The only way that I might consider it is to help catch typos. Several of which have slipped in.
3. You're probably right. I don't know why my editor friend didn't mention that last time she looked at my stuff. (I have been the next one to be edited for several years now.)
4. I keep saying I need to make a list, or perhaps chart of these smiles, but I haven't done so. It
7. & 8. It's a modern world, about equal to ours, though probably before cell phones became ubiquitous. But after they existed, certainly. They are in a large town, perhaps small city, in the middle of the RingGelf Forest. Which belongs to the unicorns. History is complicated.
The nobility has been mostly phased out, though it still exists. And there are some people who will use a title because it sounds impressive who have no right to it, while others actually have a title, but don't use it, since for practical purposes it is mostly meaningless.
And everyone has secrets.
2. No, I didn't mean 'to yourself', altho that is very helpful. Indeed using the computer to read it to you can really catch typos :)
I meant for a voiceover, for your audience.
I don't think I have expressed how much I dislike podcasts. Enough that there were at least a couple of blogs that I used to read all the time that I quit when they went to a podcast format.
7. and 8. I was making a story comment. I think it would be good if you could ground the reader in the story, to let us get immersed a bit, make more sense of some stuff.
You didn't seem to finish your answer to (4). You end with... "It" :)
*sighs* And we are back to the numbered smiles, and she's up to 47. But you don't don't really describe the smiles. What makes one different from the next? It's not necessarily smiling that you are numbering; maybe it's body posture/language.
It's just jarring enough to take me out of the story as I try to figure out the smiles.