>>I was in my room. The blue dress was in my hands. It was early evening. I was dressing for dinner. That's right, I was having dinner with Tolly. He had asked me. I smiled, 13, friendly, agreeable, at my reflection. I could do this.
I stepped out of my room, and into the common area, and jumped a little as Tolly rose from a seat at the bar, hastily shoving a book into his pocket.
Given the drama and build up of the prev paragraphs, I think you should mention she puts on the dress... and maybe a quick after thought about how she looks in it in her own eyes.
>>Then, she touched his hand, and everything changed. I don't know what happened in that moment, but suddenly they both backed away rapidly, and Glorina got up, bowed deeply, and fled. There was no other word for it.
I love this description, but it doesn't seem to fit the earlier POV. Above this there seems to be a few seconds, and an exchange of words, before the awkwardness really arises. I like this description better, so maybe change the first POV?
Well, the boss thinks that there must be some sort of alarm system, because whenever one of his goons shows up to investigate it (including the day they dropped Glorina off), someone shows up to chase them off. So he figures that if they have that sort of guard set up, there must be something there worth guarding. Either for theft or blackmail purposes.
>>I was in my room. The blue dress was in my hands. It was early evening. I was dressing for dinner. That's right, I was having dinner with Tolly. He had asked me. I smiled, 13, friendly, agreeable, at my reflection. I could do this.
I stepped out of my room, and into the common area, and jumped a little as Tolly rose from a seat at the bar, hastily shoving a book into his pocket.
Given the drama and build up of the prev paragraphs, I think you should mention she puts on the dress... and maybe a quick after thought about how she looks in it in her own eyes.
>>And I wished I could just throw myself at him, like I had that first day, and let him wrap his arms around me and keep me safe.
Not that it would have worked.
I'm not convinced of the verb tense here. I think this needs to be 'would work'. Subjunctive present.
>>Then, she touched his hand, and everything changed. I don't know what happened in that moment, but suddenly they both backed away rapidly, and Glorina got up, bowed deeply, and fled. There was no other word for it.
I love this description, but it doesn't seem to fit the earlier POV. Above this there seems to be a few seconds, and an exchange of words, before the awkwardness really arises. I like this description better, so maybe change the first POV?
So, overall, this is my favourite set of scenes so far in this story.
For some reason, the numbering drags me out of the story, every time.
instead of using the numbers, could you use something like:
He had asked me. I smiled, and my mirror self returned it, agreeable and friendly as always. I could do this.
Finally, she called him Tolly and he called her Glorina.
Why does da boss think that there's an alarm system around the lake/picnic area? Could it be that they are confusing magic awareness with technology?
Well, the boss thinks that there must be some sort of alarm system, because whenever one of his goons shows up to investigate it (including the day they dropped Glorina off), someone shows up to chase them off. So he figures that if they have that sort of guard set up, there must be something there worth guarding. Either for theft or blackmail purposes.