This would be a good place to add some of the menu, to give an idea of the restaraunt. "We have the best fried fish in the city' or 'Our filet mignon is to die for' etc.
>>the other door,
Delete 'other' and give some details. "The office door, which opens off the alley" "The company door, which is on the main street". Give us some idea of how she made this mistake.
>>she'll bring you anything you would like
This seems odd in a couple of ways. Unless he is aware of her need for privacy, I think that it would be more natural to say, "You can eat free at the rest. while you are here, even off hours. Just ask the kitchen to..." Why would he assume she would be eating in her room or at work, and why would Belinda get stuck relaying the order?
>>No. That was bad for discipline.
So... given that I don't know much about the story so far, so much is still mysterious, this seems odd. If she was self motivated, I can get the 'bad for discipline' line. But since she is being motivated by fear, I would have thought, "The horned demon might find out and torture me for eternity'... ie a reaction vis a vis her fear, not 'disciplilne'..
And the decision doesn't make sense to me. If you can't work eat. Or else sleep. To get ready for work. Making a stupid decision out of fear makes sense, but not out of 'discipline'.
>>There had been no mention of children in the files. In fact, there were no romantic entanglements noted at all
Most people don't think of a child as a 'romantic entanglement'. I can think of several reasons, off the cuff, why people might have children's pictures around without the issue of a 'romantic entnglement.
>>make yourself at home.
Odd phrasing given the situation.
>>She would have been well beyond infancy at that point.
If this is something from her file, then list it, I think. "Her file showed her as thirty-five. She woudl have..."
>>what, if anything, was wrong with him,
This is an odd statement, that seems to come out of the blue. Why should something be wrong with him?
It’s actually easier for me to go through a whole bunch at once, then to do a little teeny bit at a time because I have a real problem with my memory and so I’d be like I don’t remember anything about this story.
So just to be clear when I make comments, I’m not necessarily trying to get answers or explanations. I would like for you to know that as a reader this is a question or a confusion that I had at this point in the story. It might be, you want me to question that or be confused about it in which case fine.or it might be that you just explain something in a way that made sense to you and suddenly you’re going oh so this didn’t make sense to somebody else. Is there a way I can tweak it to make it make sense to more people.
As long as you're not one of those people who complain about a person asking for advise and then not taking it. (As if they followed every piece of advice they received.)
But when I ask a question, I would like to know the answer. And sometimes because I'm befuddled by the comment. How is wearing a tunic and leggings dressing like a modern American? Don't you say "Make yourself at home" when someone comes? Especially if you won't be able to join them for a little bit?
Nope, your book, your decisions. I was just giving you my flow of consciousness reactions. If I think so long things make sense, then I think I"m not giving you my best crit... cause readers won't sit there and think. Can't tell you how many crits I've gotten "I don't know what this is"... when I explained it in the last chapter. So I see if I can put in a clue to, umm, clue them in.
Sorry you're befuddled... I'm not always clear.
1. As far as 'short', I've been wondering that. I think I might use 'touchy'. Cause she wasn't 'short' (as in, not talking much because angry), but she reacted with the wrong emotion... she thought she was after X, when she was really there for 'Y'.
Leggins: Tunic sounds nicely medieval, but perhaps I just associate 'leggings' with what modern women wear to Walmart.
Make yourself at home: Well, no, I don't use that phrase, altho I have heard it. But it just doesn't sound like the kind of phrase one would use when asking someone to wait in one's office, and it sounds overly familiar.
Children: Not sure how I'm not communicating re the children thing. If I came in and saw some kids stuff in an office, and I knew the person didn't have children, I wouldn't think about 'romantic entanglements', I would think nephews and neices, Sunday School kids, the bank sponsors some kids home, etc.
Go searching: Yeah, I took the comment as a long term comment, and you just meant it 'like, while you wait'. I missed that. I guess I was too into 'she's going to be here for days so..."
>>"I'm sorry I was so short with you earlier,
Not the expression I'd use for her behavior.
>>They're covered.
This would be a good place to add some of the menu, to give an idea of the restaraunt. "We have the best fried fish in the city' or 'Our filet mignon is to die for' etc.
>>the other door,
Delete 'other' and give some details. "The office door, which opens off the alley" "The company door, which is on the main street". Give us some idea of how she made this mistake.
>>she'll bring you anything you would like
This seems odd in a couple of ways. Unless he is aware of her need for privacy, I think that it would be more natural to say, "You can eat free at the rest. while you are here, even off hours. Just ask the kitchen to..." Why would he assume she would be eating in her room or at work, and why would Belinda get stuck relaying the order?
>>No. That was bad for discipline.
So... given that I don't know much about the story so far, so much is still mysterious, this seems odd. If she was self motivated, I can get the 'bad for discipline' line. But since she is being motivated by fear, I would have thought, "The horned demon might find out and torture me for eternity'... ie a reaction vis a vis her fear, not 'disciplilne'..
And the decision doesn't make sense to me. If you can't work eat. Or else sleep. To get ready for work. Making a stupid decision out of fear makes sense, but not out of 'discipline'.
>>There had been no mention of children in the files. In fact, there were no romantic entanglements noted at all
Most people don't think of a child as a 'romantic entanglement'. I can think of several reasons, off the cuff, why people might have children's pictures around without the issue of a 'romantic entnglement.
>>make yourself at home.
Odd phrasing given the situation.
>>She would have been well beyond infancy at that point.
If this is something from her file, then list it, I think. "Her file showed her as thirty-five. She woudl have..."
>>what, if anything, was wrong with him,
This is an odd statement, that seems to come out of the blue. Why should something be wrong with him?
I really wasn't expecting you to do so much in one day. 🙂
1. What would you call it?
4. Because he doesn't want to have to go searching for her in the hotel or other room when he gets back in a few minutes.
6. Children tend to be the result of romantic entanglements of one form or another.
7. Why?
8. She is conditioned to think that everyone always has multiple romantic entanglements. Sometimes at the same time.
It’s actually easier for me to go through a whole bunch at once, then to do a little teeny bit at a time because I have a real problem with my memory and so I’d be like I don’t remember anything about this story.
So just to be clear when I make comments, I’m not necessarily trying to get answers or explanations. I would like for you to know that as a reader this is a question or a confusion that I had at this point in the story. It might be, you want me to question that or be confused about it in which case fine.or it might be that you just explain something in a way that made sense to you and suddenly you’re going oh so this didn’t make sense to somebody else. Is there a way I can tweak it to make it make sense to more people.
As long as you're not one of those people who complain about a person asking for advise and then not taking it. (As if they followed every piece of advice they received.)
But when I ask a question, I would like to know the answer. And sometimes because I'm befuddled by the comment. How is wearing a tunic and leggings dressing like a modern American? Don't you say "Make yourself at home" when someone comes? Especially if you won't be able to join them for a little bit?
Nope, your book, your decisions. I was just giving you my flow of consciousness reactions. If I think so long things make sense, then I think I"m not giving you my best crit... cause readers won't sit there and think. Can't tell you how many crits I've gotten "I don't know what this is"... when I explained it in the last chapter. So I see if I can put in a clue to, umm, clue them in.
Sorry you're befuddled... I'm not always clear.
1. As far as 'short', I've been wondering that. I think I might use 'touchy'. Cause she wasn't 'short' (as in, not talking much because angry), but she reacted with the wrong emotion... she thought she was after X, when she was really there for 'Y'.
Leggins: Tunic sounds nicely medieval, but perhaps I just associate 'leggings' with what modern women wear to Walmart.
Make yourself at home: Well, no, I don't use that phrase, altho I have heard it. But it just doesn't sound like the kind of phrase one would use when asking someone to wait in one's office, and it sounds overly familiar.
Children: Not sure how I'm not communicating re the children thing. If I came in and saw some kids stuff in an office, and I knew the person didn't have children, I wouldn't think about 'romantic entanglements', I would think nephews and neices, Sunday School kids, the bank sponsors some kids home, etc.
Go searching: Yeah, I took the comment as a long term comment, and you just meant it 'like, while you wait'. I missed that. I guess I was too into 'she's going to be here for days so..."
Let me know if this doesn't answer something.